No song this time around. No real reason, I just don’t want them interfering with one another. That, and I have nothing in mind.
It’s a dreary day today. Wet and rainy and downright disgusting. And so I thought, “What a perfect day for a blog post!” So I’m sat here, lazing around and listening to my music, trying to block out the sounds of the storm outside, when an idea hits me.
I have yet to to a post on dreams.
How I got that from storms and music, I’ve no idea. But then again, my mind is constantly moving from one idea to the next. Ah, the curse of being a writer.
So I shall write about dreams this time around. Now, I myself don’t have a real “dream” in life. That’s probably a little sad, but I’m not going to lie about it. I don’t have the most confidence in everything I do, so I feel there’s no point in putting that microscopic amount that exists into a dream that will more than likely not be achieved. That’s why I’ve given up on trying to achieve things New Year’s resolutions. I feel there’s no point in it when I know it won’t happen.
In case you haven’t realized it yet with my other twelve posts, yes I am a pessimist.
Every now and again, I will make a small pointless goal and try to achieve it. But it’s normally never accomplished, sadly. And just like everything before it, I give up. I find no point in continuing something that will just end in failure.
Yes, I give up way too easily. The pessimism probably has something to do with that.
Ah well. I don’t want to make everyone else’s day really depressing. And if I have, I apologize.
Have a good day, readers!
Dreams
Can’t Keep Running Away
Can’t Keep Running Away – Eyeshine (Click for Lyrics)
And it’s true, this song is. Everyone has problems. And you can’t keep running away from them. No matter how hard we try, we may be able to evade them for a little while, but eventually they’ll come back to us.
I didn’t really have much to post about this. I just felt I needed to post something, so here you go. But maybe I should actually post a little something on this, huh?
Let’s see…
As the songs states, you can’t keep running from the problems you have. And if you think that it’ll do any good doing so, “You’re so wrong.” It won’t. More than likely, it’ll just make things even worse. I have a ton of problems myself. But not nearly as many as some people I know have. And I feel so bad for them. But you know, they aren’t running and trying to evade their problems. My friends, unlike myself, are the type that face their issues head-on. They accept the fact that they have problems and they try to overcome them as best as possible.
Sadly, I’m kind of the opposite. I am a runner, someone who evades her problems. But they always come back in some way, shape or form. I guess it’s another part of my masque. Smiling, laughing, pretending nothing’s wrong while avoiding the problems I really have with things. It’s sad, really.
But it’s just another part of my masque and it’s not going to change anytime soon. It’s just another bad habit of mine that won’t be easily broken.
I guess that’s all I’ve got to say for now.Until next time, enjoy the song.
In Response to Daikon
This post is in response to Daikon’s post located here. I’ve got a bit to say in response, so a simple comment wouldn’t work. So I shall reply to your thoughts in order. (Also, as a side note to you, Daikon, if you read this, please do not refer to me as my Colorless name. I am known as the Masqued Maiden, nothing more than that. If you’d be so kind as to do that, I’d appreciate it greatly. Thank you.)
If that really is the definition of an idiot, then you are not alone, my friend. And I’m sure there are many more “idiots” like us in the world. People who can’t understand the society we live in today completely, who don’t like living a “normal” life in this world. I don’t really consider your thoughts those of a mad man, but of a person who is unhappy with how the world is today. I must say, my mindset on the idea isn’t as strong as yours, but I still agree with you nonetheless.
I must say, people should not be afraid to be themselves, to act out in the way that they feel is right. And, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m kind of one of them. But that is the purpose behind this blog, to break free of that, if only for a few moments while I write this. If you look at my first post here it explains the purpose behind this blog.
I must say though, just because a person acts like someone they aren’t doesn’t quite mean they will have “memories of another person that you have never actually experienced.” Because even if you act like someone else, you’re still making memories that are your own, memories that will never ever belong to anyone else.
I’m one of those people who wear a mask, obviously. Hence why I am called the Masqued Maiden. But that doesn’t mean I’ll live a lonely life and, in the end, die alone. As Kaien Shiba in Bleach once said, “You must never die alone. Your heart will be passed on to your friends. If you pass it on to your friends, then your heart will always live on within them.” Shortened of course, but it still has the same meaning. As long as I have friends and family who love and care for me, whether they are around around at the time or if I’m alone, I’ll never truly have died on my own. Because they are with me in spirit. And even once I’m gone, my heart will have somehow made my way to them. It seems silly, but I do agree with Kaien.
I don’t want to live like someone else. In fact, even the idea seems a little silly. But sometimes in society it is necessary and we do it whether we realize it or not. And yes, it is more than likely due to fear. Not fear of not being ourselves exactly, but fear of being someone different from the rest. But even then we’re never exactly alike, as you claim. We create our little quirks and interests to do that, to distinguish us from the rest of the world. Even just the smallest thing can be the biggest escape.
I don’t really like having to follow along with the crowd either. But you know, Daikon, at times it’s necessary to do so. To get a job, to be respected by people, to do oh so much more. Everyone has a mask of some sort, you included.
As for your requirement for your little gang, I don’t know how many members you’ll obtain, because as mentioned previously, everyone has a mask. And once you own a mask, it can be the hardest thing to get rid of. It isn't easy, let me tell you. I’ve tried in the past, but I’m the type who needs her mask, who can’t live in society without it, as much as I detest it. Life is just so much easier with it, I hate to say. If your little gang is going to blog-based then, I don’t mind participating though. Because after all, my blog and when I’m writing is the only time I can set aside my mask, if only for a few minutes. I’ll wait for you to actually post details before I decide though.
I am not in denial just because I wear a mask. In fact it’s the opposite. I accept the fact that I need a mask to get by in life. And that’s the first step to getting over things, right? But I will agree I am not one of those who wear a constant mask. I’m not one of them, so be grateful. I, too, believe we can spread your ideas and thoughts. They are quite similar to mine, really, though there are a few differences.
You’re quite welcome for reading your post, and I thank you too if you’d read mine as well. Your ideas make some sense to me at least.
I also thank you for actually giving me something to write! I’ve been blank as to what to post as of recently. So you’ve given some inspiration, Daikon, and quite a lot of it. I’m grateful for that.
Memories
It’s amazing how the small things in life can bring back some of the biggest memories. Whether it’s just an action, something you spy out of the corner of your eye, a conversation or a place you haven’t been to in a long while, there can be a memory in anything. For me, a lot of those memories contain my mother.
I lost my mother a few years ago. Nearly seven years have gone past now since then. I’ve changed a lot in that amount of time. And I’m sure she’d be proud. I should probably be posting this closer to the actual date, but the past few days have been big for memories, I guess you could say. So I’ve decided to post this now. When the date comes, I’ll probably post something else.
My mother was always the biggest person in my life. In fact, she was the light in all of our lives. She was so carefree, kind, and willing to do anything for anyone. But more on that later.
A few days ago, my guardian and I had been talking about the old black car that had been my mother’s. After she passed, I claimed that old car for myself. I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. But currently, it’s in a terrible state, according to the relative whose current possession it’s in. There are a lot of problems with it, like the broken A.C. and more serious things. The two of them, my guardian and my relative, had been talking of trading it in. But they won’t without my consent. They know how I feel about it.
That car holds a lot of memories for me. Of all the places we’d gone, the things we’d done. And just of my mother herself. She loved that car, probably more than I do now. It’s probably one of the closest things I have left to remember her by. But we have to let go of things eventually, right? I knew it wouldn’t last forever; after all, it’s fourteen years old now, that car. I’ve got a big decision to make.
Even before that, we had to take my dog to the vet’s. She’d been sick a while and so we finally took her to figure out what it. Originally, of course, she’d been my mother’s dog. When we found out that she had heart disease, I don’t know what came over me. I sat in the vet’s office and just cried a little. My family had asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t say it. I was scared. Scared of losing that poor dog. I still am. Because that dog is simply another one of the few ties I have left to my mother. I honestly have no idea what I’d do if I lost her. Probably bawl my eyes out for hours and hours on end.
And finally today was another day full of memories. We visited the local nature center today, where my mother used to volunteer at. I couldn’t help but remember the times she used to take me with her. I’d sit with her behind the front desk and click the visitor counter. She’d take me into the back staff room and she let me hold the turtle that used to live in the tank there. That turtle is gone now, sadly. I’m not quite sure what happened to it. At least I still have the memory.
Memories are such strong things. Every thing you say or do, no matter how small, will probably end up being a memory, something you’ll remember for the rest of your lives. Even now, as I’m writing this post and remembering all those memories, tears are spilling from my eyes.
Cherish the things you have while you have them. And never forget them, whether it’s a special item or just a conversation you have with your friends. Everything you say, see, do or own will hold a special memory for you one day.
Stairway Generation
Base Ball Bears – Stairway Generation (Click for lyrics)
I like this song. Especially the translated lyrics. Why? Because in a way, they seem to describe myself, haha. Then again, I’ve never been good at interpreting the meaning behind things. So maybe it’s just my imagination.
Now, how I interpreted it was as someone who says, “Hey, sure, whatever” or “I don’t care” or “I’m not interested” even though they feel very differently inside. But said person has a wall around their heart. A wall that cannot be easily penetrated. It’s a little sad, really, when you think about it.
There are very few have been able to climb over the wall around my heart. The lucky ones, the ones who refused to give up. And they still refuse to give up today, even when I try and push them away.
I never really understood why I tried to push them away, and I don’t understand why I still do so, even though they’ve already seen behind my masque and have infiltrated the wall surrounding my heart. It’s just an extremely bad habit of mine, I guess. A habit that’s grown too hard to break. A habit I’ll probably have for the remainder of my life.
Though I’m a bit glad. Recently, it seems a bit easier to not give in to it. Sure, there’s still some kinks that need worked out. But at least it isn’t nearly as bad as it had been a year ago. Hopefully, eventually, it will fade away completely. And then maybe one day I can throw away this masque for good and break down the wall around my heart. ♥
Imagination and Reality
“Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.” – Jules de Gaultier
I found this and loved it because, goodness, it’s true.
Where do people go when they want to escape reality? To get away from the harshness of the world? Inside their head. And many of us have different ways of getting there. Some listen to music, others draw things, and some people even jump right in!
Well, for me, the path to get into my head is through writing, as you may have guessed, haha. And for me, the best method of doing so is through stories. I’m no good with poetry and I couldn’t write lyrics to save my life. But if anything, stories seem to be right for me. Especially fiction.
I’ve been told I’m a visual person, and it is quite true. As I write, I put myself in my character’s place, become them if you will. I see what they see, hear what they hear, feel what they feel. No, that isn’t quite right. When I’m writing, it’s like I’m my character, watching myself from across the room. Like it’s an out-of-body experience. I guess that would be the best way to explain it. Sorry if it’s still a little confusing; I can’t think of a better way to put it. It’s like I literally jump into my imagination and watch as the events unfold before me.
Ahem.
Back to the actual quote…
It’s hard living in reality. All the war, the bad economy, politics, etc., that’s just a fraction of everything. All the stuff the adults care about. They think reality is hard for them, it can be even tougher for us younger guys. Adolescence in itself is a harsh reality. Schooling, love lives, and all the pressure to grow up from our parents/guardians/etc. They doesn’t seem to realize how tough it is for us yet they continue to try and push us to do better, to reach their unrealistically high expectations. It’s just impossible. We have our own problems, we can’t deal with yours too.
…
I got off topic again. My apologies. Sigh. This is what happens when I let my mind wander.
Ahem. Anyway, I guess I should let you all know the next chapter of Doll has been put up and is ready to go.
Hope you enjoy it!
Also, I’d like to point out, I’m on Facebook and that I also have a Formspring. So feel free to add me and/or ask me questions!
Fear
Okay, this post was suddenly inspired by the song I had just been listening to. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, Windows Live Writer, the software I use to write my blog posts, is not allowing me to post the video here. Therefore, instead I shall provide a link.
And it got me thinking. Why do we fear the things we do? What are we so afraid of? For those who have a fear of bugs, why are you so afraid of them? They’re tiny things, most of them will do us no harm if we do none to them. For those of us scared of the dark, what’s the point? You know, once you close your eyes at night, you’re in complete darkness anyway. I used to take walks at night time, and I sometimes still do on occasion. It isn’t going to hurt me. It’s not going to just swallow me up and make me disappear forever. Though, at times when I’m feeling extremely upset and depressed, I will admit, I sometimes wish it would. But then I think about those who would be hurt to see me gone, who would truly miss me, and I change my mind.
Which, in fact, brings me to one of my own fears. Yes, I fear things too, just like any other normal human being. I’m just like the rest of you, no different. One thing I fear is hurting those around me. I don’t like it, not a single bit. I can be a violent person when I get upset or annoyed, I will admit. I’ve physically attacked my own family before because I’ve either just gotten annoyed with them or I’d been on one of my rampages. And I do regret it afterwards, of course. Every single time. But I can just never seem to stop myself in the act. I don’t want to see them hurt. Because it hurts me too.
Another fear I have, which may seem a little silly, is a fear of being alone. Not like being left alone for a few days at home; that I can handle, as long as I know where my family will be. But when I was younger, I used to have dreams. Dreams of when everyone in my house just vanished without a trace. Not a word from any of them. Those dreams scared me. I’m a clingy person. I couldn’t handle being just left like that, by my friends or family. And especially not by the one I love with all my heart. ♥
Of course, I have other, more common fears too. I am human after all. Tee hee. But those aren’t as important. What is important is the fact that I do have friends and family who are there to help me with those fears. To conquer them, to control them.
Don’t let your fears overtake you. Stay in control and you can overtake them.
Loss
I think I’m going to do something a little different for a blog post today. I’m going to choose a word and write about what comes to mind when I think of that word.
The word is: Loss.
When people think of loss, what probably comes to mind first is death. And yes, I will admit, it came to me too. But that wasn’t the only thing. Death isn’t the only way to lose someone or something. That’s just a physical aspect of loss. You can also lose touch with people and things. Friends you used to talk to in the past are gone and you more than likely won’t talk to them again. Of course, there’s always the slight chance that you may just happen to run into them while out shopping and you promise to call one another. But then you realized how different you are. And you wonder why or how you ever became friends with said person. Just because you have a single thing in common doesn’t mean you should be the best of friends. But when we’re children, we don’t realize that and try our hardest to become friends anyway.
Why? It’s simple: We don’t want to be alone.
But that’s a topic for another day.
But back to the topic on hand, loss. We never call that old friend again and we never hear from them either. Haha, false promises. It’s amazing how many of them there are.
The thing with losing someone is that a lot of the time you don’t even realize it’s happening. You stop talking as much and don’t hang out nearly enough. And then, one day, it just stops altogether. You make up excuses just to get out of spending time with one another and you avoid each other on the phone or via IM, or whatever source of communication you use. It’s a bit sad, really. But what’s done is done. You can’t change the past, no matter how much you may want to. There is no “Undo” or “Back” button in life. Oh, if only there were.
Now, I’m done with today’s rant, but I’d like to do a little shameless advertising. I’ve started a story recently, and only the prologue is complete (as boring as it may be), but I’d like to get a few readers anyway. So here you go.
The next chapter is still in the making, but should be up and online soon. I’d love some feedback of any kind.
