Vacation

Well, after an unexpected vacation plan came up, I have returned. Though there isn’t all that much to say, really. But seeing as how I don’t want this blog to be all depressing topics, I’ll tell you about it.

My family and I had gone on a surprise trip out of state to visit other family. I hadn’t known until the last minute, really. It was mainly to help my uncle watch his two cute sons while he was at work. You see, he doesn’t get to see them often, due to the divorce. But in the summer, he gets them for a couple weeks. The thing is, he normally has to work. That’s where we came in.

The first night, we’d stayed at the hotel where he worked, and the experience was not very pleasant. The room was small and the air conditioner hadn’t worked very well. It was extremely hot, so hot I could barely stand it. But, of course, I dealt with it. After all, it was better than being cooped up at home with nothing to do. Sleep that night wasn’t the best either. My youngest sibling refused to sleep no matter what we tried. She was too hopped up on sugar. Not to mention, my dog is sort of sick. She’d been coughing and hacking all night. It was well after one o’clock before I finally got to sleep.

The next morning, my uncle had already left for his first job at the airport, leaving us to pack up and check out, along with watching his kids. It was a bit chaotic, really. But once we’d finally left, we moved on, going to my uncle’s apartment, where we left my poor, sick dog with instructions to bring her along later that evening to my aunt’s place. We’d gone to the Movie Tavern then, an expensive place that was too much, if you ask me. The food wasn’t that great, overcooked, really. But we’d gone to see the new Toy Story 3 and the movie itself wasn’t bad. From there, we finally went to my aunt’s place. Seeing as how none of us were really hungry, we lounged around, snacking and watching television. Finally, we moved on to the next hotel.

The rest of the trip wasn’t as interesting. We picked up the boys from their mother’s house the next morning then went swimming in the hotel pool for the rest of the day. Uneventful. But it was hot outside, so it was nice for a change. Afterwards, we went out for dinner at a Mexican place. Plaza Azteca. The food wasn’t that bad, really. As we returned to the hotel, the boys (my uncle and his sons) had a blast tossing cattails at each other.

When the next day finally came, none of us had any idea what to do. So finally, we just got into the car and drove. We ended up at a place known locally as Lion’s Bridge Park. We hiked up the trail a little ways before turning back and going to a museum nearby, the Mariner’s Museum. We spent the afternoon there and lost track of time. When we finally left it was well after the time we should have left to go back to my aunt’s house. We ate there, had a cook out sort of. Of course, I’m a picky eater and wasn’t a big fan of the food prepared. But I kept my masque in place and ate it, no complaints.

We stayed one last night in Virginia. Back at my uncle’s hotel, back where we started. In one of the same rooms from before even! (I forgot to mention we’d had two rooms before; my apologies.) And then the next morning had been the day we’d returned home. It was a long, tiresome drive, even for me who’d taken over once we’d gotten past Washington DC. And here I am, back home after a long trip. Back to the normal days of wasting time on the internet, back to the days of constant arguments with my siblings, back to my boring life. I guess the trip had been a nice change, despite how unenthusiastic I’d been going into it.

I’ll end here for today. This post is already long enough, longer than my other posts by far. But I’d let my masque drop for a while and that made things easier, if only for a brief period of time.

Rewind

Now, I’m sure that everyone has thought that they want time to rewind at some point or another. Whether it’s because of stress, just because, or when you feel that everything around you is falling apart. For me, I think it’s the third option.

Recently, I’ve been thinking of how much I’ve changed since my elementary school days and a lot of stuff that has happened since then. And I find myself wondering about what would have happened if those changes hadn’t occurred. Like, what if I’d stayed in contact with the girl I had been best friend’s with before I moved. Would I be interested in different things? Would I have a different attitude towards life? Would I be doing better in school? So many questions with three times as many possible answers to each.

But then there are more recent things coming to mind. It feels like my world is crashing down around me, sometimes. I don’t talk to my best friend nearly as much I used to anymore. She seems to be too wrapped up in her new boyfriend, always bringing him up as much as possible, what he says. “__________ told me this,  ___________ likes that, me and __________ went out to wherever today and had a great time.” (For sake of anonymity, I’ve left his name out.) I’m starting to regret getting them together now. I don’t like the idea of losing my best friend to someone else. I’m too clingy, I know. I guess, maybe deep down in the abyss that is myself, I’m happy for her though, no matter how much her incessant chatter about him gets on my nerves. She’s still my friend, after all. And I’d much rather see those around me happy and smiling than upset and depressed.

Either way, I guess rewinding time isn’t an option in life, no matter how much we yearn for it to be. The real world isn’t like that; there’s no “undo” or “back” button. Life would be so much easier if there was such a thing. Everything would be.

Too bad it won’t ever exist.

Worry

I know what it’s like to worry so much that it drives you sick. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I’ve worried so much about my family, and especially my real family, my friends.

Its hard to say I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want them to, really, but also, somewhere deep sown inside, I do. It shows me how much people care about me. I go on and on, telling them not to, that I can take care of myself, but the truth behind it all is that I really don’t know if I can take care of myself. I’ve always relied on others to help me out when things get tough. And I’m thankful that they’ve given assistance when I needed it, no questions asked. But then, I’ve realized, it’s just going to be harder for me when it comes time to let go, to really grow up and become an adult.

My legal guardian has enough to worry about without having to worry about me. Her family is having problems financially and she feels she needs to earn more money to support them. I’m not the best student in the world, and I’ve failed many classes this year, and she’s worrying about me doing well in the real world. My siblings have become rebellious teenagers and she’s worried about where they’ll end up in life.

At the very least, I don’t want her to have to worry about me. I can’t really do many things to help with everything else she’s worried about, but at the very least, I don’t want her worrying over me. I’ve vowed this year, my last year of high school, to do better and to prevent her from having to worry over me, even just a little. If it helps ease her heart a little, it’s worth the effort.

And I, myself, have to learn to stop relying on others for everything. I have to learn to grow up, get a job, earn a bit for myself. If I can’t at least get my grades up and do that much, how will I survive out in the big bad world called reality?

I don’t want to be a burden to any one anymore.

Belonging

Have you ever felt that you don’t belong in the group you’ve glommed onto? As if you’re the odd one out in your group of friends? As if you’ve just clung to them for the sake of fitting in somewhere? I have. Many many times over.

I’ve often felt that I don’t belong with them, my friends. Sometimes I feel that I try too hard to be like them; other times, I feel that I don’t try hard enough. Either way, I keep my masque in place around them, laughing along with jokes I don’t get and willingly being the subject of many jokes as well. If it means being able to be a part of a group, why not? Surely, I’m not the only one whose felt this way.

Few have seen the face behind this masque of mine. My true self, my true feelings, my views on life, et cetera. I’d kind of like to keep it that way, at least for now. Maybe one day, in the near or far future, I’d like to open up to more people. To break this masque of mine once and for all.

What would people think if they knew the girl behind the masque?

The Masqued Maiden

There are those people who aren’t afraid to reveal who they truly are. They are the lucky ones. The ones who can be who they want to be without having to worry about what people think of them. I envy them.

But then there are the people like myself. The ones that wear a masque. The ones who hide what they truly feel and think just to be agreeable, to fit in. They hide who they really are, behind a masque of smiles and laughter, while deep inside, the real them are fighting to get out, to be released. Oh how I wish to break free from this masque of mine.

If only it were that simple.

My temporary release, the only time I can truly be myself, is through words. As a writer, I can be who I truly want. Whether through this blog or a character in one of my many stories, I don’t hide. I feel free, able to let go. I’ll throw that masque to the sky…

…And yet, the masque of mine will always find it’s way back. If only I’d have the courage to be rid of it for good. To banish it from my life. To toss it to the ground and watch it shatter into millions of pieces of broken porcelain.

Oh, if only.

I won’t hide here behind words. Majority of what will be spoken here will be truth, probably between 85% to 90% of it, anyway. That is the point of this, to break free from my masque, the lies, if only for a short period of time.

I shan’t reveal my name, for sake of anonymity. I’m sure that’s understood. So for now, please just speak of me as “The Masqued Maiden.”