Doors

Lyrics can be found here (Click for lyrics)

My my, it’s been quite a little bit without a post again. This maiden went on a temporary hiatus.

Now, the video above. I’m not sure if it will play or not since embedding for it had been disabled for whatever reason. So I improvised. I’ll fix it if it doesn’t work. Fixed.

But about the song. The first time I heard it, I thought, “I have to write about this!” It’s amazing how well I can relate it to myself and many others I know. And even many I don’t.

The song speaks about being placed in front of doors and being lost and confused. And that happens. When given options, there are a lot of us who don’t know just what to choose. Each door opens up a new path. And with that comes new challenges and obstacles to overcome. The question is, do we want to have to deal with those challenges? I’m sure that, like myself, many of you would say “no” and search for an easier way out. But sometimes, the difficult route is the better one. It will open up many more possibilities, both negative and positive, than the simple path would.

The song also talks about how we find it hard to be ourselves. And that’s true. Look at me, for example. I can be myself out in the real world, sure. But am I truly letting my entire self be seen? No. Because I’m afraid. I’m not a risk taker. But I do sometimes wish I was that way. I’m constantly fighting against myself inside my mind. Should I take the risk? Or should I take the easy way out? My masqued self tells me to take the easy route. To not push things. Not change the peace we have now. And yet my real self tells me the opposite. To take the risk. To actually stand apart from everyone and defend myself.

A lot of us do the things we do because we want to fit in with everyone else. To be just like the others. To feel accepted. And I’ve done things like this myself, I will admit. I’ve become the subject of many jokes because I just wanted to be accepted. And I laughed along with them, pretending it didn’t bother me once. My masqued self was fine with it. She decided it was what was right. But my real self was always upset. Brooding because she knew it wasn’t right. Because she knew I should fight for myself, fight back.

To sum it up, I’ll end with the answer to the question asked at the end of the song: "Do you know yourself?”

For me, the answer would probably be that I don’t even know anymore. Both the Masque and my real self are important parts to me. Sometimes I can’t even tell which one is the real one. The mesh and become intertwined sometimes, while at others, they can be so different and clear from each other, it’s a wonder I even thought them to be the same entity. I don’t really know myself. And I’m sure that most of the people living on this earth don’t either. But I can’t really speak for them. I can only speak for myself on this matter.

At times, I wish the Masque wasn’t such a dominant part of me. I wish I could be myself. Say the things I want to say. Stand up and fight back against those who dislike me for whatever reason. But it’s not an easy change to make. It’s probably the most difficult change a person could even attempt. My real self and the masque will continue fighting their battle inside me. I can only hope that one day, my real self will be victorious.

Attention

Has it really been that long since I’ve last made an entry? Goodness. I’d not even realized it. I have realized though, that I have been writing my posts using the “block quote” setting this entire time. I must say, it looked better though. But for now, I’m going to try without that. I feel a little silly now, just realizing this.Though I don’t have many readers anyway, so does it really matter? And it’s my blog, I guess I could write it any way I wanted.

But enough about me. Though I guess that does tie into the topic I want to write about today: Attention whores.

A strange topic, yes. But I had nothing better to write about. And until school starts up again, I probably won’t have much to write about at all. My inspiration is just fading, and fast.

There, I go again, off talking about myself. It probably makes me seem a bit self-centered. And seeing as how all my posts have been primarily about myself so far, I can see how people can lead to think that.

Yes, I am an attention whore. I crave attention, just like a child. I’m very childish, despite my age. And I love getting attention, whether it be positive or negative. Either way. I tend to put myself down because I love the positive comments I get from it (Though, I’d never admit it), though that’s not the only reason, of course. I really do have horribly low self-esteem and self-confidence. Anyway. I also tend to say mean things to people and do mean things to people because I even like the negative attention I get from it. A bit crazy, I guess. I don’t like this method as much as the other, which is why I don’t use it often.

But over the past few weeks, I have met the biggest attention whore imaginable. I thought I was bad, but this guy is much worse. I have never seen such a big seeker of attention before in my life until I met him.

Though he denies it, he is always seeking attention. Every post by this guy screams “Pity me! I’m needy!” He’s constantly spouting stuff about how everyone hates him. How he has no friends. How badly his life sucks. How he screws everything up. How much he hates everyone. And has anyone ever asked him about it? Not once. It’s no wonder everyone on the site hates him. Or at least is very close to it. Another thing nearly everyone hates about him is that he is a troll, though, again, he denies it. And he has no grammar or spelling skills whatsoever. And he’s rude and just all around…well, an attention whore.

Well, enough on this. I’ve been working on this post too long now. I may not be writing another post until school starts up in September. So if I don’t this is a temporary farewell.

Dreams

No song this time around. No real reason, I just don’t want them interfering with one another. That, and I have nothing in mind.

It’s a dreary day today. Wet and rainy and downright disgusting. And so I thought, “What a perfect day for a blog post!” So I’m sat here, lazing around and listening to my music, trying to block out the sounds of the storm outside, when an idea hits me.

I have yet to to a post on dreams.

How I got that from storms and music, I’ve no idea. But then again, my mind is constantly moving from one idea to the next. Ah, the curse of being a writer.

So I shall write about dreams this time around. Now, I myself don’t have a real “dream” in life. That’s probably a little sad, but I’m not going to lie about it. I don’t have the most confidence in everything I do, so I feel there’s no point in putting that microscopic amount that exists into a dream that will more than likely not be achieved. That’s why I’ve given up on trying to achieve things New Year’s resolutions. I feel there’s no point in it when I know it won’t happen.

In case you haven’t realized it yet with my other twelve posts, yes I am a pessimist.

Every now and again, I will make a small pointless goal and try to achieve it. But it’s normally never accomplished, sadly. And just like everything before it, I give up. I find no point in continuing something that will just end in failure.

Yes, I give up way too easily. The pessimism probably has something to do with that.

Ah well. I don’t want to make everyone else’s day really depressing. And if I have, I apologize.

Have a good day, readers!

Can’t Keep Running Away

Can’t Keep Running Away – Eyeshine (Click for Lyrics)

And it’s true, this song is. Everyone has problems. And you can’t keep running away from them. No matter how hard we try, we may be able to evade them for a little while, but eventually they’ll come back to us.

I didn’t really have much to post about this. I just felt I needed to post something, so here you go. But maybe I should actually post a little something on this, huh?

Let’s see…

As the songs states, you can’t keep running from the problems you have. And if you think that it’ll do any good doing so, “You’re so wrong.” It won’t. More than likely, it’ll just make things even worse. I have a ton of problems myself. But not nearly as many as some people I know have. And I feel so bad for them. But you know, they aren’t running and trying to evade their problems. My friends, unlike myself, are the type that face their issues head-on. They accept the fact that they have problems and they try to overcome them as best as possible.

Sadly, I’m kind of the opposite. I am a runner, someone who evades her problems. But they always come back in some way, shape or form. I guess it’s another part of my masque. Smiling, laughing, pretending nothing’s wrong while avoiding the problems I really have with things. It’s sad, really.

But it’s just another part of my masque and it’s not going to change anytime soon. It’s just another bad habit of mine that won’t be easily broken.

I guess that’s all I’ve got to say for now.Until next time, enjoy the song.

In Response to Daikon

This post is in response to Daikon’s post located here. I’ve got a bit to say in response, so a simple comment wouldn’t work. So I shall reply to your thoughts in order. (Also, as a side note to you, Daikon, if you read this, please do not refer to me as my Colorless name. I am known as the Masqued Maiden, nothing more than that. If you’d be so kind as to do that, I’d appreciate it greatly. Thank you.)

If that really is the definition of an idiot, then you are not alone, my friend. And I’m sure there are many more “idiots” like us in the world. People who can’t understand the society we live in today completely,  who don’t like living a “normal” life in this world. I don’t really consider your thoughts those of a mad man, but of a person who is unhappy with how the world is today. I must say, my mindset on the idea isn’t as strong as yours, but I still agree with you nonetheless.

I must say, people should not be afraid to be themselves, to act out in the way that they feel is right. And, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m kind of one of them. But that is the purpose behind this blog, to break free of that, if only for a few moments while I write this. If you look at my first post here it explains the purpose behind this blog.

I must say though, just because a person acts like someone they aren’t doesn’t quite mean they will have “memories of another person that you have never actually experienced.” Because even if you act like someone else, you’re still making memories that are your own, memories that will never ever belong to anyone else.

I’m one of those people who wear a mask, obviously. Hence why I am called the Masqued Maiden. But that doesn’t mean I’ll live a lonely life and, in the end, die alone. As Kaien Shiba in Bleach once said, “You must never die alone. Your heart will be passed on to your friends. If you pass it on to your friends, then your heart will always live on within them.” Shortened of course, but it still has the same meaning. As long as I have friends and family who love and care for me, whether they are around around at the time or if I’m alone, I’ll never truly have died on my own. Because they are with me in spirit. And even once I’m gone, my heart will have somehow made my way to them. It seems silly, but I do agree with Kaien.

I don’t want to live like someone else. In fact, even the idea seems a little silly. But sometimes in society it is necessary and we do it whether we realize it or not. And yes, it is more than likely due to fear. Not fear of not being ourselves exactly, but fear of being someone different from the rest. But even then we’re never exactly alike, as you claim. We create our little quirks and interests to do that, to distinguish us from the rest of the world. Even just the smallest thing can be the biggest escape.

I don’t really like having to follow along with the crowd either. But you know, Daikon, at times it’s necessary to do so. To get a job, to be respected by people, to do oh so much more. Everyone has a mask of some sort, you included.

As for your requirement for your little gang, I don’t know how many members you’ll obtain, because as mentioned previously, everyone has a mask. And once you own a mask, it can be the hardest thing to get rid of. It isn't easy, let me tell you. I’ve tried in the past, but I’m the type who needs her mask, who can’t live in society without it, as much as I detest it. Life is just so much easier with it, I hate to say. If your little gang is going to blog-based then, I don’t mind participating though. Because after all, my blog and when I’m writing is the only time I can set aside my mask, if only for a few minutes. I’ll wait for you to actually post details before I decide though.

I am not in denial just because I wear a mask. In fact it’s the opposite. I accept the fact that I need a mask to get by in life. And that’s the first step to getting over things, right? But I will agree I am not one of those who wear a constant mask. I’m not one of them, so be grateful. I, too, believe we can spread your ideas and thoughts. They are quite similar to mine, really, though there are a few differences.

You’re quite welcome for reading your post, and I thank you too if you’d read mine as well. Your ideas make some sense to me at least.

I also thank you for actually giving me something to write! I’ve been blank as to what to post as of recently. So you’ve given some inspiration, Daikon, and quite a lot of it. I’m grateful for that.

Memories

It’s amazing how the small things in life can bring back some of the biggest memories. Whether it’s just an action, something you spy out of the corner of your eye, a conversation or a place you haven’t been to in a long while, there can be a memory in anything. For me, a lot of those memories contain my mother.

I lost my mother a few years ago. Nearly seven years have gone past now since then. I’ve changed a lot in that amount of time. And I’m sure she’d be proud. I should probably be posting this closer to the actual date, but the past few days have been big for memories, I guess you could say. So I’ve decided to post this now. When the date comes, I’ll probably post something else.

My mother was always the biggest person in my life. In fact, she was the light in all of our lives. She was so carefree, kind, and willing to do anything for anyone. But more on that later.

A few days ago, my guardian and I had been talking about the old black car that had been my mother’s. After she passed, I claimed that old car for myself. I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. But currently, it’s in a terrible state, according to the relative whose current possession it’s in. There are a lot of problems with it, like the broken A.C. and more serious things. The two of them, my guardian and my relative, had been talking of trading it in. But they won’t without my consent. They know how I feel about it.

That car holds a lot of memories for me. Of all the places we’d gone, the things we’d done. And just of my mother herself. She loved that car, probably more than I do now. It’s probably one of the closest things I have left to remember her by. But we have to let go of things eventually, right? I knew it wouldn’t last forever; after all, it’s fourteen years old now, that car. I’ve got a big decision to make.

Even before that, we had to take my dog to the vet’s. She’d been sick a while and so we finally took her to figure out what it. Originally, of course, she’d been my mother’s dog. When we found out that she had heart disease, I don’t know what came over me. I sat in the vet’s office and just cried a little. My family had asked what was wrong, but I couldn’t say it. I was scared. Scared of losing that poor dog. I still am. Because that dog is simply another one of the few ties I have left to my mother. I honestly have no idea what I’d do if I lost her. Probably bawl my eyes out for hours and hours on end.

And finally today was another day full of memories. We visited the local nature center today, where my mother used to volunteer at. I couldn’t help but remember the times she used to take me with her. I’d sit with her behind the front desk and click the visitor counter. She’d take me into the back staff room and she let me hold the turtle that used to live in the tank there. That turtle is gone now, sadly. I’m not quite sure what happened to it. At least I still have the memory.

Memories are such strong things. Every thing you say or do, no matter how small, will probably end up being a memory, something you’ll remember for the rest of your lives. Even now, as I’m writing this post and remembering all those memories, tears are spilling from my eyes.

Cherish the things you have while you have them. And never forget them, whether it’s a special item or just a conversation you have with your friends. Everything you say, see, do or own will hold a special memory for you one day.

Stairway Generation

Base Ball Bears – Stairway Generation (Click for lyrics)

I like this song. Especially the translated lyrics. Why? Because in a way, they seem to describe myself, haha. Then again, I’ve never been good at interpreting the meaning behind things. So maybe it’s just my imagination.

Now, how I interpreted it was as someone who says, “Hey, sure, whatever” or “I don’t care” or “I’m not interested” even though they feel very differently inside. But said person has a wall around their heart. A wall that cannot be easily penetrated. It’s a little sad, really, when you think about it.

There are very few have been able to climb over the wall around my heart. The lucky ones, the ones who refused to give up. And they still refuse to give up today, even when I try and push them away.

I never really understood why I tried to push them away, and I don’t understand why I still do so, even though they’ve already seen behind my masque and have infiltrated the wall surrounding my heart. It’s just an extremely bad habit of mine, I guess. A habit that’s grown too hard to break. A habit I’ll probably have for the remainder of my life.

Though I’m a bit glad. Recently, it seems a bit easier to not give in to it. Sure, there’s still some kinks that need worked out. But at least it isn’t nearly as bad as it had been a year ago. Hopefully, eventually, it will fade away completely. And then maybe one day I can throw away this masque for good and break down the wall around my heart. ♥

Imagination and Reality

“Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.” – Jules de Gaultier

I found this and loved it because, goodness, it’s true.

Where do people go when they want to escape reality? To get away from the harshness of the world? Inside their head. And many of us have different ways of getting there. Some listen to music,  others draw things, and some people even jump right in!

Well, for me, the path to get into my head is through writing, as you may have guessed, haha. And for me, the best method of doing so is through stories. I’m no good with poetry and I couldn’t write lyrics to save my life. But if anything, stories seem to be right for me. Especially fiction.

I’ve been told I’m a visual person, and it is quite true. As I write, I put myself in my character’s place, become them if you will. I see what they see, hear what they hear, feel what they feel. No, that isn’t quite right. When I’m writing, it’s like I’m my character, watching myself from across the room. Like it’s an out-of-body experience. I guess that would be the best way to explain it. Sorry if it’s still a little confusing; I can’t think of a better way to put it. It’s like I literally jump into my imagination and watch as the events unfold before me.

Ahem.

Back to the actual quote…

It’s hard living in reality. All the war, the bad economy, politics, etc., that’s just a fraction of everything. All the stuff the adults care about. They think reality is hard for them, it can be even tougher for us younger guys. Adolescence in itself is a harsh reality. Schooling, love lives, and all the pressure to grow up from our parents/guardians/etc. They doesn’t seem to realize how tough it is for us yet they continue to try and push us to do better, to reach their unrealistically high expectations. It’s just impossible. We have our own problems, we can’t deal with yours too.

…

I got off topic again. My apologies. Sigh. This is what happens when I let my mind wander.

Ahem. Anyway, I guess I should let you all know the next chapter of Doll has been put up and is ready to go.

Doll: Chapter One

Hope you enjoy it!

Also, I’d like to point out, I’m on Facebook and that I also have a Formspring. So feel free to add me and/or ask me questions!

Fear

Okay, this post was suddenly inspired by the song I had just been listening to. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, Windows Live Writer, the software I use to write my blog posts, is not allowing me to post the video here. Therefore, instead I shall provide a link.

Scared - Three Days Grace

And it got me thinking. Why do we fear the things we do? What are we so afraid of? For those who have a fear of bugs, why are you so afraid of them? They’re tiny things, most of them will do us no harm if we do none to them. For those of us scared of the dark, what’s the point? You know, once you close your eyes at night, you’re in complete darkness anyway. I used to take walks at night time, and I sometimes still do on occasion. It isn’t going to hurt me. It’s not going to just swallow me up and make me disappear forever. Though, at times when I’m feeling extremely upset and depressed, I will admit, I sometimes wish it would. But then I think about those who would be hurt to see me gone, who would truly miss me, and I change my mind.

Which, in fact, brings me to one of my own fears. Yes, I fear things too, just like any other normal human being. I’m just like the rest of you, no different. One thing I fear is hurting those around me. I don’t like it, not a single bit. I can be a violent person when I get upset or annoyed, I will admit. I’ve physically attacked my own family before because I’ve either just gotten annoyed with them or I’d been on one of my rampages. And I do regret it afterwards, of course. Every single time. But I can just never seem to stop myself in the act. I don’t want to see them hurt. Because it hurts me too.

Another fear I have, which may seem a little silly, is a fear of being alone. Not like being left alone for a few days at home; that I can handle, as long as I know where my family will be. But when I was younger, I used to have dreams. Dreams of when everyone in my house just vanished without a trace. Not a word from any of them. Those dreams scared me. I’m a clingy person. I couldn’t handle being just left like that, by my friends or family. And especially not by the one I love with all my heart. ♥

Of course, I have other, more common fears too. I am human after all. Tee hee. But those aren’t as important. What is important is the fact that I do have friends and family who are there to help me with those fears. To conquer them, to control them.

Don’t let your fears overtake you. Stay in control and you can overtake them.

Loss

I think I’m going to do something a little different for a blog post today. I’m going to choose a word and write about what comes to mind when I think of that word.

The word is: Loss.

When people think of loss, what probably comes to mind first is death. And yes, I will admit, it came to me too. But that wasn’t the only thing. Death isn’t the only way to lose someone or something. That’s just a physical aspect of loss. You can also lose touch with people and things. Friends you used to talk to in the past are gone and you more than likely won’t talk to them again. Of course, there’s always the slight chance that you may just happen to run into them while out shopping and you promise to call one another. But then you realized how different you are. And you wonder why or how you ever became friends with said person. Just because you have a single thing in common doesn’t mean you should be the best of friends. But when we’re children, we don’t realize that and try our hardest to become friends anyway.

Why? It’s simple: We don’t want to be alone.

But that’s a topic for another day.

But back to the topic on hand, loss. We never call that old friend again and we never hear from them either. Haha, false promises. It’s amazing how many of them there are.

The thing with losing someone is that a lot of the time you don’t even realize it’s happening. You stop talking as much and don’t hang out nearly enough. And then, one day, it just stops altogether. You make up excuses just to get out of spending time with one another and you avoid each other on the phone or via IM, or whatever source of communication you use. It’s a bit sad, really. But what’s done is done. You can’t change the past, no matter how much you may want to. There is no “Undo” or “Back” button in life. Oh, if only there were.

Now, I’m done with today’s rant, but I’d like to do a little shameless advertising. I’ve started a story recently, and only the prologue is complete (as boring as it may be), but I’d like to get a few readers anyway. So here you go.

Doll

The next chapter is still in the making, but should be up and online soon. I’d love some feedback of any kind.

Vacation

Well, after an unexpected vacation plan came up, I have returned. Though there isn’t all that much to say, really. But seeing as how I don’t want this blog to be all depressing topics, I’ll tell you about it.

My family and I had gone on a surprise trip out of state to visit other family. I hadn’t known until the last minute, really. It was mainly to help my uncle watch his two cute sons while he was at work. You see, he doesn’t get to see them often, due to the divorce. But in the summer, he gets them for a couple weeks. The thing is, he normally has to work. That’s where we came in.

The first night, we’d stayed at the hotel where he worked, and the experience was not very pleasant. The room was small and the air conditioner hadn’t worked very well. It was extremely hot, so hot I could barely stand it. But, of course, I dealt with it. After all, it was better than being cooped up at home with nothing to do. Sleep that night wasn’t the best either. My youngest sibling refused to sleep no matter what we tried. She was too hopped up on sugar. Not to mention, my dog is sort of sick. She’d been coughing and hacking all night. It was well after one o’clock before I finally got to sleep.

The next morning, my uncle had already left for his first job at the airport, leaving us to pack up and check out, along with watching his kids. It was a bit chaotic, really. But once we’d finally left, we moved on, going to my uncle’s apartment, where we left my poor, sick dog with instructions to bring her along later that evening to my aunt’s place. We’d gone to the Movie Tavern then, an expensive place that was too much, if you ask me. The food wasn’t that great, overcooked, really. But we’d gone to see the new Toy Story 3 and the movie itself wasn’t bad. From there, we finally went to my aunt’s place. Seeing as how none of us were really hungry, we lounged around, snacking and watching television. Finally, we moved on to the next hotel.

The rest of the trip wasn’t as interesting. We picked up the boys from their mother’s house the next morning then went swimming in the hotel pool for the rest of the day. Uneventful. But it was hot outside, so it was nice for a change. Afterwards, we went out for dinner at a Mexican place. Plaza Azteca. The food wasn’t that bad, really. As we returned to the hotel, the boys (my uncle and his sons) had a blast tossing cattails at each other.

When the next day finally came, none of us had any idea what to do. So finally, we just got into the car and drove. We ended up at a place known locally as Lion’s Bridge Park. We hiked up the trail a little ways before turning back and going to a museum nearby, the Mariner’s Museum. We spent the afternoon there and lost track of time. When we finally left it was well after the time we should have left to go back to my aunt’s house. We ate there, had a cook out sort of. Of course, I’m a picky eater and wasn’t a big fan of the food prepared. But I kept my masque in place and ate it, no complaints.

We stayed one last night in Virginia. Back at my uncle’s hotel, back where we started. In one of the same rooms from before even! (I forgot to mention we’d had two rooms before; my apologies.) And then the next morning had been the day we’d returned home. It was a long, tiresome drive, even for me who’d taken over once we’d gotten past Washington DC. And here I am, back home after a long trip. Back to the normal days of wasting time on the internet, back to the days of constant arguments with my siblings, back to my boring life. I guess the trip had been a nice change, despite how unenthusiastic I’d been going into it.

I’ll end here for today. This post is already long enough, longer than my other posts by far. But I’d let my masque drop for a while and that made things easier, if only for a brief period of time.

Rewind

Now, I’m sure that everyone has thought that they want time to rewind at some point or another. Whether it’s because of stress, just because, or when you feel that everything around you is falling apart. For me, I think it’s the third option.

Recently, I’ve been thinking of how much I’ve changed since my elementary school days and a lot of stuff that has happened since then. And I find myself wondering about what would have happened if those changes hadn’t occurred. Like, what if I’d stayed in contact with the girl I had been best friend’s with before I moved. Would I be interested in different things? Would I have a different attitude towards life? Would I be doing better in school? So many questions with three times as many possible answers to each.

But then there are more recent things coming to mind. It feels like my world is crashing down around me, sometimes. I don’t talk to my best friend nearly as much I used to anymore. She seems to be too wrapped up in her new boyfriend, always bringing him up as much as possible, what he says. “__________ told me this,  ___________ likes that, me and __________ went out to wherever today and had a great time.” (For sake of anonymity, I’ve left his name out.) I’m starting to regret getting them together now. I don’t like the idea of losing my best friend to someone else. I’m too clingy, I know. I guess, maybe deep down in the abyss that is myself, I’m happy for her though, no matter how much her incessant chatter about him gets on my nerves. She’s still my friend, after all. And I’d much rather see those around me happy and smiling than upset and depressed.

Either way, I guess rewinding time isn’t an option in life, no matter how much we yearn for it to be. The real world isn’t like that; there’s no “undo” or “back” button. Life would be so much easier if there was such a thing. Everything would be.

Too bad it won’t ever exist.

Worry

I know what it’s like to worry so much that it drives you sick. Maybe not physically, but mentally. I’ve worried so much about my family, and especially my real family, my friends.

Its hard to say I don’t want people to worry about me. I don’t want them to, really, but also, somewhere deep sown inside, I do. It shows me how much people care about me. I go on and on, telling them not to, that I can take care of myself, but the truth behind it all is that I really don’t know if I can take care of myself. I’ve always relied on others to help me out when things get tough. And I’m thankful that they’ve given assistance when I needed it, no questions asked. But then, I’ve realized, it’s just going to be harder for me when it comes time to let go, to really grow up and become an adult.

My legal guardian has enough to worry about without having to worry about me. Her family is having problems financially and she feels she needs to earn more money to support them. I’m not the best student in the world, and I’ve failed many classes this year, and she’s worrying about me doing well in the real world. My siblings have become rebellious teenagers and she’s worried about where they’ll end up in life.

At the very least, I don’t want her to have to worry about me. I can’t really do many things to help with everything else she’s worried about, but at the very least, I don’t want her worrying over me. I’ve vowed this year, my last year of high school, to do better and to prevent her from having to worry over me, even just a little. If it helps ease her heart a little, it’s worth the effort.

And I, myself, have to learn to stop relying on others for everything. I have to learn to grow up, get a job, earn a bit for myself. If I can’t at least get my grades up and do that much, how will I survive out in the big bad world called reality?

I don’t want to be a burden to any one anymore.

Belonging

Have you ever felt that you don’t belong in the group you’ve glommed onto? As if you’re the odd one out in your group of friends? As if you’ve just clung to them for the sake of fitting in somewhere? I have. Many many times over.

I’ve often felt that I don’t belong with them, my friends. Sometimes I feel that I try too hard to be like them; other times, I feel that I don’t try hard enough. Either way, I keep my masque in place around them, laughing along with jokes I don’t get and willingly being the subject of many jokes as well. If it means being able to be a part of a group, why not? Surely, I’m not the only one whose felt this way.

Few have seen the face behind this masque of mine. My true self, my true feelings, my views on life, et cetera. I’d kind of like to keep it that way, at least for now. Maybe one day, in the near or far future, I’d like to open up to more people. To break this masque of mine once and for all.

What would people think if they knew the girl behind the masque?

The Masqued Maiden

There are those people who aren’t afraid to reveal who they truly are. They are the lucky ones. The ones who can be who they want to be without having to worry about what people think of them. I envy them.

But then there are the people like myself. The ones that wear a masque. The ones who hide what they truly feel and think just to be agreeable, to fit in. They hide who they really are, behind a masque of smiles and laughter, while deep inside, the real them are fighting to get out, to be released. Oh how I wish to break free from this masque of mine.

If only it were that simple.

My temporary release, the only time I can truly be myself, is through words. As a writer, I can be who I truly want. Whether through this blog or a character in one of my many stories, I don’t hide. I feel free, able to let go. I’ll throw that masque to the sky…

…And yet, the masque of mine will always find it’s way back. If only I’d have the courage to be rid of it for good. To banish it from my life. To toss it to the ground and watch it shatter into millions of pieces of broken porcelain.

Oh, if only.

I won’t hide here behind words. Majority of what will be spoken here will be truth, probably between 85% to 90% of it, anyway. That is the point of this, to break free from my masque, the lies, if only for a short period of time.

I shan’t reveal my name, for sake of anonymity. I’m sure that’s understood. So for now, please just speak of me as “The Masqued Maiden.”